Rites of Passion - Sacred Union
Below are four examples from Rites of Passion couples-sessions, helping us to understanding the four pillars of Sacred Union:
I was recently showing a man how to tie his partner.
She was shaking a little.
I snapped the rope sternly. She stopped shaking and said, “I’m not scared anymore! Let’s go ahead with the tie” (aroused in a sympathetic state).
What actually happened here is that her fear-levels were on a “threshold”. Once I snapped the rope, her body went into a “freeze-response”. Consciously, she felt safe (and a “yes” to being tied) however, unconsciously, she had “left her body” and was seeking connection from a disembodied place.
(In my opinion, 50% of women are locked in a Freeze response).
I pressed the rope to her nape and it had no effect on her. I brushed it lightly across her face (like a vine) and the pleasure of the effleurage dropped her stress levels enough such that she came out of freeze and started to shake again.
We spent the session weaving her jaw's tremoring into voice and substituting the gentle-strokes of the rope for the confidence-of-the-beloved’s-gaze.
So basically, we used fear of the rope to activate her tremor & the presence of her partner to keep her safe in it. The beauty of this encounter is that it took the client to her EDGE, without going beyond it. Which is where the magic happens. If we were to tie her up, as per her request, it would have taken her deeper into a freeze-response (sympathetic), counter to opening her heart (parasympathetic).
A common couples-communication style in vogue at the moment is the masculine “holding the emotional storm” (sympathetic) of the feminine to show he can be “fully present” for her. This approach is great, unless the masculine has gone into a sympathetic state himself (a “Flight Response”) and started “witnessing blankly" and completely checked out of his body a long time ago (probably as soon as either criticism or failure were perceived). So, after the exercise, her libido & oxytocin will have risen, however because of his emotional-body now being in a sympathetic state, it will now be unable to sublimate the sexual energy into the heart, without release.
Hmmm…what if he were to playfully tie her before or during the communication? He may then become more confident with his listening & she would be more surrendered and vulnerable with her sharing (para-sympathetic).
The “Tend & Befriend” response is where the feminine (in men & women) uses affection / connection to create safety for themselves. Come to think of it, the last three sexually abused clients I have worked with, have each offered me to come to their home during the session. The way their INNER-CHILD was coping with suppressed trauma was by offering intimacy to the “alpha” of the space (me, the fascilitator in this case).
SO A PRIMARY SYMPTOM OF AN UNSAFE FEMININE IS THE OFFERING OF INTIMACY. From a Sacred Union perspective, it’s the job of a counter-part to hold this - rather than indulge it. The style of love-making here, if it were to be indulged, would be passionate however driven from a sympathetic-state (with closed heart close to climax) which is unconducive to sexual-sublimation, leading to premature ejaculation. Indulgence here would also cross some wires connecting fear/grasping together with safety/pleasure.
Hmmm. What if we could initiate people from this response? And let the trauma play out in a para-sympathetic state? In the arms of love, without vulnerability becoming desirable.
Imagine one night a couple becomes disagreeable. They “agree to disagree” about something before blowing the candle out.
Upon laying their heads to the pillow, some gently passive-aggressive remarks are made.
It’s clear there is still some unexpressed anger ("Fight Response").
A man would much prefer physical pain over emotional pain, so he invites her to whip him with some rope to get her anger “out of her system”. She’s not interested at all.
He coaxes her a little. And upon beginning, she revelled in running the shadow briefly, before the anger dissipated almost straight away. It didn’t hurt him or cross any boundaries, if anything it released some endorphins and they both felt better (para-sympathetic) and laughed. He felt “tough” and she felt “empowered” with a little fun.
This is an example of using fearlessness (parasympathetic) of meeting “impact” as a tool to circumvent hours of hamster wheel “couples communication” (which addresses the tip of ice-berg vs the bottom of it).
There is a way of connection re-emerging on the planet.
Founder of Heart School