Rites of Passion: Assertion & Surrender

HEART SCHOOL - The Assertion & Surrender Couple (Axis 1)



Barney visits my practice, he is having some troubles….his mates are telling him to leave his girlfriend (Hazel) because she’s is "always giving him a hard time”.

We light a candle as I ask him for the name of Hazel’s Father.

We call in his name, three times.


Then it’s really simple – “Do you choose my daughter?”

He’s unsure. I tell him “That’s not good enough”. And ask again.

After some internal deliberation he say’s “no”.

I end the 1-hour session five minutes in and tell him to go home and have “the hard conversation”.


Barney comes back a week later. He didn’t have the chat.

Rather, he said: “It’s really strange but ever since I made the decision to be a “no”, all of a sudden she’s stopped giving me a hard time”.


We go into some provocation therapy, inviting him to say “no” in repetition.

Every time he asserts himself with a “no”, his shoulders, unbeknownst to him, tighten-up. He's always "tight" in his shoulders. 

I start mocking him more and more, provoking him (up to his limits), until finally he’s able to assert a “no” comfortably, in a believable, authentic way with an open-heart and relaxed shoulders.

What his body is now ‘feeling’ and what his mouth are ‘saying’ are both on the same page. Something which hasn’t been the case for years.

We relight the candle and call-in the spirit of Hazel’s Father.

With his head and heart now together,

I ask him “Do you choose my daughter”.

“Yes”. Without a pause.

We blow the candle out and release the Father's name.


*Unconsciously* Barney's body was locked in a FEAR OF ASSERTION (probably since child-hood) with the unconscious belief – "if I say no to a teacher or parent, I will lose love".


…so what did he manifest in life? Situations which trigger asserting "no" to loved ones.


Because he was unable to say “no” safely, this meant his “yes” wasn’t in "Sacred-Union". He was not able to fully choose his "yes", effecting his certainty and clarity - essential elements of masculinity.


Once he ”owned“ his power to say “no” to a relationship – paradoxically - this gave him the power to be a true “yes”.


Barney’s girlfriend Hazel was so curious with Barney's new found self, she decided to pay a visit also…


Meet Hazel

Hazel comes and sits down. I look in her eyes. She is unable to stay still with presence - fidgeting.

She says “I don’t actually believe in this "woo-woo". I think it's bullsh*t”.

“That’s OK. I don’t need you to believe in anything”.

She softens.

I ask to hold her hand.

She says “I don't trust you…what are your qualifications to be doing this anyway?”

I say “I learnt from lots of mistakes”.

She laughs a little. Her knees soften as she starts to breathe easier.

I say to her, ”I want you to hold my gaze, relax your shoulders and breath into your tummy”

She says “Why do I feel like I want to cry all of a sudden? What you doing?" without trust.

I say to her “A woman I loved once told me I had a talent for making women cry…so I decided to make a profession out of it”.

She laughed and surrendered into the commands.


I say “Do you mind if I touch you on your breast bone, to help guide your breathe?” (intentionally pushing her boundaries)

She says ”You’re trying to take advantage of me! Because you’re in a position of power.”

I say to her “If you walk out the door, then I have no power. So it’s actually you who's in control”.

We go on for a little while longer, waiting for her pattern to surface.

Her hands clasp at her temples, she has an epiphany "My whole life I’ve been unkind & untrusting towards people who have loved me the most - because I know they would tolerate it. I don’t want to be that kind of woman anymore. I don’t want to test love.” sincerely.

I say to her, “It’s really simple, you’ve lost your feminine. Would you like to find her again?”

She nods yes.

Her face now regresses from a business-woman into a cherub; child-like.

I assert my hand around the base of her throat.

She's trusts. But needs to writhe her spine to ease the tension of the confront.

She continues to pulse gently, exhaling the fearful tension from her mouth with a guarding throat.

I say “all you need to do is hold my gaze and relax your throat on the out-breath”.

She nods.

“Relax your throat. Relax your throat. Relax your throat…”

She finally lets out a gentle “ahh” syllable. However turns her head to the side and breaks the gaze.

To be witnessed in surrender was too naked for her emotional body.

“Look at me. Look at me. Look at me…”.

Slowly she comes back to her body and turns her head back towards.

“Relax your throat. Relax your throat. Relax your throat...”.

She gulps. Tears well and she moans - like a dam breaking.

Covering her tears in shame.

“Your tears are a gift.

Your vulnerability will inspire the masculine to do anything for you. There's no need to test love anymore”.

She goes into a "sub-space" reconciling "crying" as something OK; Vulnerability as a power quality.


Dawn breaks, butterflies open.

“Welcome to your feminine".

She nods and sniffs.


“Stay here. Stay here. Stay here…”



Assertion & Surrender.



…so what is this? It isn't quite Tantra. It isn’t Bondage, it isn't Yoga-Therapy. It isn't Shamanism

- I call it Heart School